Dave Duncan

"Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"


I don’t really remember how it came up, but I regret allowing myself to remember what it was like to eat an Eatmore chocolate bar. In reality, it’s not a chocolate bar as much as feces cleverly disguised in a chocolate bar wrapper. A cursory Google search revealed that Eatmore is only available in Canada… go figure.

Much like MacIntosh Toffee, the Eatmore bar is something you see at the store, but never actually see anyone buying. Somehow you can’t remember how you get them, but you do. Usually from a relative (note that I didn’t use the term ‘loved one’). That’s where the likenesses between the two end. MacIntosh Toffee is tasty (especially when warmed)… Eatmore however, is not. I cannot overstate that enough.

I once heard a story, one that I’m sure is a bold-faced lie. Someone once told me that sometimes Doctors in hospitals will lie a patient on their side, and leave an exposed Eatmore chocolate bar by their gaping mouth to coax out a pesky tapeworm. That’s both disgusting AND a lie… even a tapeworm wouldn’t eat an Eatmore. It’s a well known fact that even wretched parasites have SOME taste.

Now, I’m sure that someone out there is reading this and saying “Hey, I like Eatmore. What’s wrong with you?”. To that person I say… Go back to your home planet. We don’t want YOUR kind here… and take all these tapeworms with you.

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