Dave Duncan

"Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"

Up in the Atmosphere…

There are certain facts about living in Southern Ontario (Toronto specifically) which one must accept about living here. One of these facts is that if it’s raining, it’s more than likely also windy. I’m no ‘scientician’, but I’ll make up a stat and say that there is at least a brisk wind 90% of the time it’s raining. Still, why do people insist on trying to use umbrellas?

This has puzzled me for years. All they do is blow around, and the rain still blows on an angle under them and you get wet. Your hair remains relatively dry, but more often than not, your umbrella turns into scrap in your hands. Personally, I’m a fan of the ‘rain suit’. Gore-tex jacket and pants. That’s the way to go.

Another fact that can’t be ignored is that of all the people with umbrellas, a disproportionate number of those are shorter than 5’5″. By ‘disproportionate’, I mean ‘nearly all’. Who are you people? I can only surmise that being that much closer to the ground, you figure that the slant of rain that would normally soak someone who’s 6′ doesn’t affect you, but you’re wrong.

Even better, it seems that all these people under 5’5″ who use umbrellas all share a common wrist malfunction that causes them to lose all muscular control just as you’re trying to pass them on the sidewalk (having shorter legs, they also walk slower, you see). This results in those of us who are average height or taller (I’m 5’9ish) dodging the metal spokes that are coming at our eyes, ears and noses. This is not as fun a rainy-day-game as Puddle Jumping.

So please, hear my plea… abandon your umbrellas in favour of jackets and rainpants. It’s the only sensible option. If you feel guilty about throwing your umbrella in the garbage, you can use it to commute to work (what with the price of gas and everything).

No More Traffic Jams
1 comment

1 Comment so far

  1. Brad Jarman August 9th, 2006 8:12 pm

    Short people are stackable.