Dave Duncan

"Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"

Archive for January, 2004

Forgive me, Colon…

I should be charged with hate crimes for what I did to my body last night. Here, in order, is what went into my stomach in a matter of 4 hours or so.
– Indian food… a lot of it. For those in the know, I had Gosht Dansak and A LOT of relish on my appetizers.
– Beer. What do YOU drink with Indian Food?
– Red wine. Jackson Triggs (or ‘Taye Diggs’… call it what you will)
– Coffee
– a Huge piece of Cheesecake from Just Desserts.
I’m still in a little pain this morning, both due to volume, and weird combinations of food I put in there.
Okay, back to work.

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Today is a New Holiday

I’m sure few of you know, but today (January 29th) is an holiday in the Ancient Carthaginian Calendar. It was marked to celebrate a defining moment in Hannibal’s crossing of the Alps to sack Rome. It seems that as Hannibal’s troops approached the higher reaches, they found themselves overcome with the intense cold. One of Hannibal’s Generals, a man named Jenni (pronounced Yenny) had been a Raccoon trapper in his quieter home life, and devised a clever plan to save the army. He set up hundreds of traps and caught thousands of raccoons, skinning them and drying their furs around huge bonfires. He then gave the dried furs to his troops to protect them from the elements, helping them to conserve their strength for the coming battle. After the Carthaginians sacked Rome, Jenni was heralded as a hero… the man who brought the army safely over the Alps ready to take on the Romans. They proclaimed his birthday as Jenni’s Fur Coon day, and it was celebrated with strong drink, great feasts and all manner of sexual excess.
So, I wish you all a Happy Birthday Jenni Fur Coon.

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Mr. Plow

This is an open letter to the City of Toronto Services Department. How much snow do we need to get before you guys start plowing the streets and clearing off paths? Seriously. After a few solid days of fairly heavy snow, the streets were just starting to look clear early this morning. My apartment building, on the other hand, had clear walkways and driveways pretty consistently over the past few days. That’s it for the City Officials. They can stop reading now.
This is an open letter to all the homeowners in Toronto with driveways, or who have sidewalks that border their property. First, clear your damn sidewalk! The city won’t do it for you, and the more of us that walk on it, the icier it gets. Second… DO NOT SNOWBLOW THE CONTENTS OF YOUR DRIVEWAY AND WALKS INTO THE STREET. I’ve seen WAY too many people do this, and they don’t realize that all they’re doing is helping some poor driver kill himself by putting a 10 foot mound of snow on the road. I pointed out to a man doing this last winter that his actions were reckless and illegal, and he told me that he didn’t want to wreck his lawn… Wreck his lawn? Did he notice that EVERY WINTER his lawn gets snow on it, and somehow every spring his lawn comes back? Is he worried that a few extra inches will put too much weight on his precious lawn? Or that the evil snowflake gnomes will have more legions in their army to go after the roots of his grass with pickaxes? I simply informed him that he was a crazy old man, and walked away.
I guess that’s enough ranting for now… but I’ll be back.

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I’m Baaaaaaaack

So my first REAL vacation ever has come… and gone. What a great time! Skiing, snowshoeing, sitting around… I bought myself a pair of snowshoes, ate lots of good food, drank lots of good drink and watched lots of crap TV. I’ve also decided that I must own a hot tub at some point. Those things are wicked relaxing.
Anyways, I had to come into work on friday for a few hours (I drove an hour from Barrie to come in), but only stayed long enough to get my immediate work done, then I hauled ass back up to the resort. Vacation is sweet.
Did I miss anything?

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Screw You All

Well, I’m off to Barrie for some skiing and relaxation for a week, which means I probably won’t be in here updating. I’ll have my laptop with me, but with dial-up, this stuff can be a l…i…t…t…l….e S…..l……o……w so I’ll just wait until I come back, most likely. You can still reach me by email at daifduncan@hotmail.com. Feel free to email me and come up and join me, if you like.

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The Job Hunt

I’m brushing the flies from my eyes and wiping the sweat from my brow. I try to stay downwind, as I creep my way through the underbrush looking for the freshest tracks that will direct me to my prey. I grip my weapon fiercely at any sign of recent tracks, and I sniff the air for any trace of a scent. I am hunting an elusive beast… a job that doesn’t suck. Alas, I may have found my prey, but now I must stalk it, trap it, and kill it. And by that, I mean that I have to lie just enough to get them to hire me.
Without saying too much, it’s a tech writing job (my dream job, short of being paid to do nothing) with a really cool software firm (that’s cool software AND a cool firm) and unlike previous employers coughcorelcough, they won’t go out of business or suffer from mismanagement, so my job would be secure.
So… how do I court this little lady? Any advice? Anyone?

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My Zombie Routine

Here’s my pre-awake routine for an average weekday morning. Most of the time, I don’t remember doing any of this.
– Alarm goes off at 7:30am. I lie there ‘listening’ to the news on the radio until 7:45
– Jump in the shower. Apply shampoo and rinse. Apply conditioner, lather with soap, rinse both. This is the best shower method EVER.
– Dress. Button up shirt, nice pants.
– Out the door at 8:10, walk to subway, stand on subway, walk to office.
– Go to desk, turn on PC, check email.
This is usually when I start to become aware of my surroundings and can begin the arduous task of engaging in conversation. I hate talking before 10am and avoid it whenever possible. I also hate being awake before 10am and avoid it whenever possible.
Sometimes on the way to the office I get a coffee, but not always. It’s usually just the mornings that I’m awake enough to swerve out of my routine. Pretty interesting, eh? Sorry I wasted your time.

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