Dave Duncan

"Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"

Another Nail in the Coffin

There are a few things in life that you just know without being told. One of them being that any time someone says “… and then it fell off” and they’re talking about something that’s part of their body, well it’s not good. See, our bodies, although comprised of many separate parts that all perform separate functions, is actually just one big part. It’s like a machine with lots of moving bits and bites and they all serve to keep that one machine running well. This morning, my machine stopped running well. Something fell off.

Early in the ZLF soccer season, I sustained a near-career-ending injury that resulted in the second toenail of my right foot turning black. I’m one of those freaks with an INSANELY long second toe, so it’s just hanging out there waiting to be the target of some violent act.

For the entire summer, that black toenail taunted me from my Birkenstocks or when I ran barefoot across golden meadows. It seemed to whisper “Someday, when you least expect it… I’m just going to fall off and your toe will look ugly for the rest of your life”. Weird, eh? I mean… a whispering toenail?

After months of the toenail staying firmly planted on my foot, I’d been lulled into a false sense of security. I came to believe that unlike everyone else on earth who has blacked-out a toenail, mine would somehow miraculously stay on and just grow out. I was naive, and this morning I paid the price.

To say it ‘fell off’ is a bit misleading. You see, toenails are kind of like baby teeth in that they get really loose, but you have to actually get in there and do the deed yourself. One whole corner pulled away when it snagged on my sock and it was swinging open like a rusty gate, only held on by one side… but still firmly hanging on. [Is this where I warn the squeamish that perhaps they should just stop reading? No? Too late? Fair enough] So I took hold of the nail and gave a good hard pull, and I was sitting on the foot of my bed holding my toenail.

So that’s how my friday started. Aside from that, I’m having a great day… and losing my nail wasn’t that bad. It didn’t hurt and I had something disgusting to share in my blog today. My loss is your gain.

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