Dave Duncan

"Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"

Sleepless Nights Part II; The Break-In

I’m now in my second day of sleepless nights, but last night’s “escapade” (suitably in quotes) more than eclipses some simple construction traffic.  It was epic, terrifying and hilarious all at once.

I went to bed around 11 and Mojo was asleep on the floor in our room (Danielle is away at a conference this week).  I was out cold when he suddenly woke up barking, which has never happened in the middle of the night before.  Our bedroom is in the basement and he went flying up the stairs barking his fool head off with me hot on his heels.

When I got to the kitchen, he was losing it in the corner by the door to our back deck, which is right next to a small window.  That’s when I could see what he was barking at; something was moving.  My first thought was that he’d cornered a burglar.

I flicked on the kitchen light with one hand and grabbed the nearest weapon I could get my other hand on at the same time, which was sadly a broom.  In the split second between realizing that at best I could sweep someone to death and the actual light coming on, I realized the humour in the situation, said a quick prayer and turned to see what was going on.

There, in the corner in front of our kitchen window (which is now missing a screen) WAS A BIG FAT RACCOON!!  He was eating from our green bin SITTING IN OUR KITCHEN.  In case you missed that, he didn’t have his head in our window, and he wasn’t hanging half in the window and half out.  The raccoon was well inside our kitchen and face to face with our now wildly insane dog.

I didn’t want Mojo to get into a biting contest, so I held him back with one hand and hit the raccoon as hard as I could with the other (using the broom).  I felt like some sort of bizzaro tennis star and neither animal was all that happy with how I chose to resolve the situation, which was admittedly tense for all parties involved.  One spectacular backhand sent the raccoon back out through the screen, but not before he managed to evacuate his bowels and bladder.  I assume it was a parting gift, but one given out of sheer terror and not kindness.

After all the excitement, neither me or Mojo were calm enough to settle back down to sleep, what with my heart racing like a racehorse in a horse race against other racehorses who race (cut me some slack on my similes after a sleepless night) and him pacing the entire house checking every open window and whining.  Instead, I turned on the TV and sweat in the humidity while I waited for the whole situation to calm down.  Oh, and I closed all the windows.

So, this begs the question… what’s in store for tonight?


3 Comments so far

  1. Marty August 19th, 2009 12:29 pm

    That was an amazing story.

  2. Danielle August 19th, 2009 4:43 pm

    Hilarious!! Glad I missed it though…I probably would have let the dog at him!

  3. Kenneth August 19th, 2009 5:37 pm

    You and Mojo seem to be a legendary combo. I await further tales with anticipation. Could this possibly provide inspiration for your upcoming novel?

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